Scotty Fults has a lot to say to a lot of people. With his permission, Brewminate has dedicated this page as an ongoing presentation of his public communication to leaders and others far and wide. You can find Scotty on Facebook. He has lots of pals.
Holy Snooze: President Slump Goes to a Funeral
Dear First Person in the History of the United States to be Elected President as a Convicted Felon,
Howdy. Scotty here, with a “protocol sheet” of sorts.
I’ve heard a lot of talk from your supporters as to what they “don’t want their tax dollars going to,” so I thought I’d contact you about how I’d like my tax dollars spent, particularly with regard to representing us internationally.
So, I’ve come up with the following list of rules you need to follow, given your behavior and decorum at the Funeral of Pope Francis.
First, IF THERE ARE OTHER GOVERNMENTAL OFFICIALS ATTENDING AN EVENT, AND YOU ARE USING TAXPAYER-PAID TRANSPORTATION TO GET THERE, OFFER THE SAME TO THOSE PEOPLE, WHETHER YOU LIKE THEM OR NOT.
Skippy, that plane you’re riding around in doesn’t belong to you. It belongs more to me and every other citizen of this country than it ever will to you. For you, it’s a privilege you get as our employee, as long as you can keep the gig. Pretty nice, huh?
Ya know, about 20 or so years ago, when Saint Pope John Paul II passed, George W. offered the plane up to not only His Dad, a former President, but to Bill Clinton. Imagine! Somehow amidst political differences, the Bushes had managed to maintain a friendship with Clinton.
Funny how that works, huh? When you don’t burn every bridge you cross.
You don’t have to sit next to them. You don’t have to eat with them. You don’t have to play charades with them. But if you have people from this country that are former or current leaders that have a desire to attend an event, YOU WILL OFFER THEM TRANSPORTATION IF YOU’RE GOING THERE ON MY DIME.
Secondly: SIT WHERE YOU’RE TOLD TO SIT.
It’s been reported that the Vatican had you in the dignitaries/heads of state section, but in the third row. Apparently, you threw a hissy fit, and they pacified you. However, what you need to realize is that not every function you attend is about you. In this case, it was all about paying respects to a man who did more good for people in a minute than you will in a lifetime. You were there to pay respect (have someone look up that word for you) to the Pope on behalf of the United States; as our representative- our EMPLOYEE. Again, IF YOU’RE AT AN EVENT REPRESENTING THIS COUNTRY, YOU WILL CONTINUALLY REMEMBER THAT, AND CONDUCT YOURSELF APPROPRIATELY.
Third: In keeping with the last point, GET THE GUM OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, AND KEEP YOUR CELL PHONE IN YOUR POCKET.
You were representing this country at a funeral for a head of state. You are not a 12 -year old punk in a Junior High English class (although your behavior continually demonstrates it). I trust that you had your cell on “vibrate,” and I understand the temptation. However, THE EXPECTATION HERE IS THAT IF YOU ARE REPRESENTING THIS COUNTRY, YOU WILL BEHAVE IN A MANNER BEFITTING THAT OF A GROWN UP, AND THAT PUTS US IN THE BEST POSSIBLE LIGHT.
Next, FOLLOW THE DRESS CODE YOU’RE TOLD TO FOLLOW.
It is my understanding that the Vatican Requested folks invited to the service wear black suits. A blue suit with a very shiny blue tie is extremely inappropriate under those circumstances. Even your wife got the memo, and was appropriately dressed. It looked as if all you were doing was trying to draw attention to yourself. I know you have a black suit: I’ve seen pictures of you wearing one at one of your rallies meant to honor the “Proud Boys.” Funny. You had a black suit for domestic terrorists acting on your behalf, but not acting as a representative of this country at the funeral of another world leader.
And I’ve heard the “but whuddabouts” from the folks that support you. Admittedly, there were others in the seated section that did not follow the dress code fully. However, none of those folks demanded to be seated in the front row, and more importantly, none of them were there representing me and the people of this country. YOU WERE. AND AS LONG AS WE GRANT YOU THAT PRIVELEGE, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WILL FOLLOW THE DRESS CODE REQUESTED BY THE HOST, AND REALIZE THE HONOR YOU’VE BEEN GIVEN BY BEING ALLOWED TO BE THERE.
Finally: STAY AWAKE DURING THE EVENT. AND USE THE RESTROOM BEFORE THE SHOW STARTS.
You throw a tantrum about not being in the front row. Once they pacify you and put you there, you rage tweet, and, as I predicted, are asleep before the second reading. As I’ve seen and said before, it’s probably the first time you’ve slept next to your wife in years.
You know there’s a bedroom for you on that plane we let you use, right? You probably need to understand it’s not there for indiscriminate acts with assorted grateful staffers, but for you to actually sleep, so that upon your arrival you can capably represent us at the event you’re traveling to. You might also consider visiting the restroom before you take your seat at an event. Given your wife’s expression in the photos and video I saw, you didn’t do that. Frankly, skippy, in some of the video I saw, you looked in much worse shape than the Pope did.
So, in future, IF YOU ATTEND AN EVENT AS A REPRESENTATIVE OF THIS COUNTRY, THE EXPECTATION IS THAT YOU WILL REMAIN AWAKE, ALERT AND CONTINENT DURING THAT PERIOD.
Never in my life did I ever think I’d have to write a letter to an elected representative about how to behave like a “big boy,” but for some reason, you seem to reject the idea that you are an EMPLOYEE of the people, and not their ruler.
I have no doubt that I’ll be back soon enough to revisit this. Your behavior at Pope Francis’ funeral was beyond deplorable. Don’t do it again.
Your pal,
Scotty
Emperor Penguins and the Wannabe Emperor
Dear First Person in the History of the United States to be Elected President as a Convicted Felon,
Howdy. Scotty here, with a note of some seriousness.
It seems, with your big “liberation day” festivities yesterday in the Jacqueline Kennedy Rose Garden that you apparently plan to bulldoze and turn into a parking lot, you announced the tariffs you’d be placing on the nations of the world, which you claim are all taking advantage of us. How you got your figures to justify your reasoning seems silly at best, but I’ll go on.
Apparently, you intend a 10% tariff to be imposed upon the Hurd and McDonald Islands for all imported goods from there. Now, I know that the name “McDonalds” strikes a chord with you, but I can assure you that it is not where your mentor clown, Ronald, originated. They are islands inhabited only by penguins.
And it is on behalf of those penguins I write to you today.
From today, please know that I intend to file a Federal Lawsuit against you on behalf of the animals that inhabit those islands for the egregious effects your order holds against them. Why, young Edith, a young penguin in the shipping department, stands to lose his job because of your edict. And her young husband, Olaf? He is still nursing the egg, and cannot work!
I could go on and on with stories like these, but I believe that you need to know the names of the people (and animals) you’re hurting.
You need to get over yourself very quickly. The people you mean to lead are already over you.
A third term? You may not get three months.
Your Pal,
Scotty
He’s So Cheesy
Dear Elon Musk,
Howdy. Scotty here. I heard you were in Green Bay recently. Did you stop into a Culver’s for their fried cheese curds? Those are paradise in a bag! I could eat mountains of them. Ask folks up there who know me. They’ll verify it.
Or, maybe you went to Kroll’s West for a burger and a chocolate shake? Or maybe a prime rib sandwich?
If you’re wondering why I’m asking about that, well, I’ll tell you: Your money would have been more productively spent at those fine establishments than it was the way you spent it.
Our government is not for sale, skippy. Our president is, but our government most definitely is not. Hopefully you learned that lesson last night.
Let’s talk again soon.
Your Pal,
Scotty
All Cars Matter!
Dear Attorney General Bondi,
Howdy. Scotty here. I’ve not written to you before, but I do need a bit of clarification on some things.
In your confirmation hearings before the Senate, under oath, you swore to bring integrity and the rule of law back to the Justice Department.
Okay, so help me with these things:
First, you met with all the DOJ attorneys and told them they worked for Donald Trump. Funny, but I’ve taken an oath to work for the Government, and I don’t recall it stating that I would uphold the policies of any president, but would do for the Constitution. See, as I read the Constitution, you and those you mean to lead work for me and the people of this nation, and not to enforce the policies of any president. Can you clarify this for me?
You made a statement recently threatening anyone who vandalizes a Tesla with prosecution as a “domestic terrorist.” You also threatened those folks with imprisonment. The person you claim to serve added that he would send them to a Gulag in El Salvador. You haven’t disputed that.
See, from what I understand, anyone that vandalizes a piece of property is guilty not of domestic terrorism, but of vandalism. So, if I take a baseball bat to a Tesla, by your proclamation I am a domestic terrorist, and could be sent to what is, essentially, a concentration camp.
While I don’t agree with vandalism, you have no right whatsoever to decide on what the law is. The law already exists, and those found guilty of it should be prosecuted within codified statutes. You don’t get to make that up as you please.
Additionally, why is it only Teslas? Why isn’t it also Chevys, or Fords, or Buicks? Or even Yugos? I don’t need an answer there. I know why, and I’d bet you know I know why.
Now, let’s apply your logic to another situation. If I take the same baseball bat I vandalized the Tesla with, and use it to beat a Capitol Police Officer within an inch of their life, then use it to break into the Capitol, then once inside, shit on the floor, wipe the waste on the walls, and do everything I can to disrupt a Constitutionally Mandated procedure because I don’t like the results of an election, I’m not a domestic terrorist, I’m a patriot.
So, if I destroy a specific brand of automobile because I have an issue with the owner of the company, I’m a terrorist, but if I commit what is codified treason, I get a pardon and possibly financial retribution at the taxpayer’s expense?
Sounds like you got your Law Degree at “Joe’s Internet College of Law and Ass Kissing.’
Consider your future, Secretary. He’ll be gone soon enough, and you’ll be there answering for it for the rest of your life.
Your pal,
Scotty
Sweet Karoline: Good Times Never Seemed So Bad
Dear Karoline Leavitt,
Howdy. Scotty here. You haven’t heard from me before, but I expect you will again.
I’ve just returned from Ireland, where I can assure you that your remarks have gained you a certaIn amount of notoriety. As a matter of fact, one of my friends there told me that you would go down in history as the American counterpart of a predecessor of yours from another nation: She said you were the American equivalent of “Baghdad Bob.” Remember him? I’d bet not, as you have proven that your knowledge of world relations and even American History and Government is at a level that seems less even than the person you think you work for.
I think you know where I’m about to go here, don’t ya?
A few days ago, you were asked about a comment from a duly elected representative of the French Government who said that France should reclaim the Statue of Liberty as the current administration’s behavior didn’t exactly embody the spirit that it symbolizes (just FYI: It doesn’t).
You said, “My advice to that low level politician would be to remember that if it weren’t for the United States, he’d be speaking German right now.”
My advice to you would be to take a very basic U. S. History class. The books can even have pictures, if that helps you. I learned in the THIRD GRADE that the United States owes its existence as a nation to the French. During the Revolutionary War, France gave us money, troops that fought alongside us, ships that helped us secure the deciding battle of that War at Yorktown. Finally, France was the first country to recognize us as a free and independent nation.
Now let’s have a grammar lesson about semantics, shall we?
I don’t care what you want to call what happened in that dumpster fire of a group chat. I don’t care what anyone calls it. For all I care, you can call it “Homeowner’s Association Meeting Minutes.” The main point here is the information that was disclosed, the unsecure program on which that information was disclosed, the devices on which that information was disclosed and the fact that a reporter was included in the chat.
Additionally, NONE of the people involved in that chat had enough cajones to suggest that the information might be better discussed in a more secure place. None of them. And the National Security Advisor was one of them.
Can you say, “incompetence”? Can you say, “negligent”? Can you say, “we’re screwing with the chance that any other country in the world will ever trust again that we will handle classified information in a professional manner”?
And you even had some advice for all of us in your remarks regarding your questions about that. You thanked a Fox reporter for pointing out that he people should decide themselves about what this was. And added, ” I would say they should look at the success of the mission.”
There you go with your advice again, misinformed and propagandist as it is.
My advice to you would be to learn to say something that no one in your administration has been able to say:
It was a mistake, and we are taking steps to ensure that it never happens again.
If you’d all have done that from the outset, it would be over now.
Instead, you all apparently would like to keep adding shit to the storm.
Your pal,
Scotty
PS: That cross you wear around your neck isn’t fooling anyone
Mr. Trump: You Want That Rare or Raw?
Dear First Person in the History of the United States to be Elected President as a Convicted Felon,
Howdy. Scotty here. I was going to address a number of things with you today, but since your little skit on Friday turned into an absolute custard truck, I’ll just concentrate on that.
I work in show business, skippy, and I can spot a badly rehearsed and totally premeditated routine from a mile off. If the stunt you and your little buddies tried to pull off with President Zelensky on Friday had happened in the boy’s bathroom at a junior high school as opposed to the Oval Office, it still wouldn’t have been appropriate, but given the aggressors…
…well, at least those of us with an IQ score that exceeds the average daily temperature in LaCrosse during the winter can consider the source.
Let’s set all this up from jump, shall we? A few years back, you tried to extort President Zelensky by asking him to dig up dirt on President Biden in exchange for aid that was already appropriated by Congress. He refused your kind and benevolent offer. You seemed upset, but claimed you’d done “nothing wrong.” You got impeached, but your sycophants in Congress saved you. As transactional as you are, I’d say you owe them a lot. You’d be in jail now without them. And you’d do well to remember it.
Speaking of transactions, you’ve had a lot to say about NATO, and how much they aren’t “holding up their end of the bargain.”
Okay, skippy, there has been one time, and one time only, when Article V of the NATO treaty has been enacted. That was after the terrorist attacks on 9/11. Literally ALL of those nations came to our aid. Want them to pay up? You first. Until you pay them back, quit your pissant whining.
Anyone with a pulse is also aware about how you covet the Nobel Peace prize. You might’ve thought you had it wrapped up with this one. No, Skippy, a Peace plan doesn’t include the surrender of the invaded country, and it doesn’t include your demanding restitution from the invaded country as “payback.” It also most certainly doesn’t include a scenario where the invading country makes no concession whatsoever.
You kept calling it “Raw Earth” in your meeting Friday. I think you meant “rare earth.” You thought you had that all sewn up, didn’t you?
Okay “Art of the Deal Mastermind”, lets see if I’ve got this straight: They turn over their Sovereign nation to your boyfriend, and give you 500 Million of “raw earth,” and then 3 years later, your boyfriend decides to try again. And he has done before. On a deal we set up and he signed. What deal is there in that? And exactly where would the money from that “raw earth” go?
Now, let’s get to the actual meeting. You planted a reporter, who is the latest conquest of the most stupid person on the planet to ask President Zelensky why he wasn’t wearing a suit. King Charles certainly didn’t have a problem with it, nor did virtually all the European leaders he met with over the weekend. It sounded like a scene from “Mean Girls,” which is just about your speed, intellectually and emotionally: “EEEEWWW! What are you wearing???? Do you even own a suit.” How utterly obscene.
Funny, you didn’t seem to have a problem with the way Elon Musk was dressed when he was in the Oval along with his booger picking kid, which by the way, was much worse. Let’s get this straight, skippy: President Zelensky dresses that way because his country is at War, and his first responsibility is to representing the people he means to lead and not to you. This concept of understanding that an elected leader is an employee of the people of a nation is one that I keep having to repeat to you. You’d do well to learn it, and quickly, too. You are a temp worker, skippy, and in your job only because most of the people in this country (god help us) put you there. It isn’t your house to set a dress code in. As a matter of fact, it’s more mine than yours, and I was proud to see him there. Again, get this through your demented head: It’s our house- you’re just visiting it.
Now lets get to the remarks your of your yappy little lap dog JD (no offense intended toward dogs).
The dead giveaway that your little bully circle was premeditated became clear when he opened his mouth. He thought President Zelensky was “disrespectful” for not thanking you? I think Yappy was completely disrespectful by addressing the President of another nation when he doesn’t hold an equivalent rank. You showed your ignorance diplomatically by allowing that to happen.
President Zelensky has done nothing but thank our country. What did you expect? Did you want him to genuflect? Do you expect worship from a man going through what he has? Do you expect complete and total subservience (look it up) from a man you’ve tried to extort numerous times? Do you expect groveling from a man whose country we are treaty bound to protect? Or do you intend to violate that treaty just like your boyfriend Putin did?
By the way, I’d look into getting the couch cleaned where Yippy was sitting (wink, wink).
Now, let’s get to you. Two things about what you said really stood out:
First: You said to President Zelenskyy, “You don’t have the cards. With us, you have the cards.”
Skippy, from what I saw on Friday and over the weekend, he’s got a much better hand than you.
Next: you said, “I’m giving you license to be a ‘tough guy.'”
Skippy, you are not even in the same stratosphere as a “tough guy.” You, at most, are a grade school bully. I think that entertains some folks in this country, but I just find it disgraceful, as do many of the people in this country. The way you behaved on Friday might work for an elementary school loudmouth running for student council, but it damned sure aint gonna work here.
At the end, Putin praised your little skit. The Kremlin stated that they were confident that your policy alligned with theirs. You must be so proud. The scary thing about this is that you probably are proud of it.
I’m not. And neither are most of the people in this country. You may believe in your warped little head that alignment with a bastard like Putin makes you look “tough.”
It most certainly does not. It makes you look like a wannabe. Which is all you will ever be. There was only one President in the Oval Office on Friday, and it wasn’t you.
Kiss your Nobel Prize goodbye. You threw that out the window on Friday.
More later.
Your pal,
Scotty
J.D. Vance: You Make Quayle Look Qualified
Dear Mr. Vice President Vance,
Howdy. Scotty here. Just a note to address a few things with you.
Firstly, how’s the Vermont vacation going? Ya know, I’ve always found those guys to be no-nonsense folks: If you’re good to them, they’ll be good to you.
Of course, if you’re a spineless sycophant…
Secondly, let’s talk about your little skit with President Zelensky on Friday. Skippy, I work in show business. I know a premeditated, rehearsed piece of tripe when I see it, and what you did along with your boss then was precisely that. You planted a question from your “Juan Peron approved press” to start it.
I can see the rehearsals now: “And then you’ll say, and then I’ll say…”
What you did was despicable.
“Why aren’t you wearing a suit? Do you own a suit?” hope that butt kissing reporter got his SAG card for that one. But I’d bet not.
He answered, “My people are in a war.” He’s trying to show respect to the people he means to lead by not dressing better than any of them might be able to, and in the manner of the military that he leads against an invasion that you and your “dear leader” seem to support wholeheartedly.
Now, I want to get to what your lines were in your little skit. You, apparently, were cast as the Chihuahua nipping at President Zelensky’s heels.
“I think it’s disrespectful that you come here into the Oval Office and…”
Well, skippy, give us all your diplomatic experience. In the rear and drinking beer.
I think it’s disrespectful for anyone other than a president to address the president of another country. You aren’t there, skippy, and never will be. You have no diplomatic right, and indeed no invitation to address him as your equal. This was a set up ambush, and you know it. Don’t like what he’s wearing? Don’t like what he says? Put him in your “Mean Girls Bad Book.”
You have finally assuaged my belief that no other Vice President of the United States would be more stupid than Dan Quayle.
Your pal,
Scotty
President Zelenksy: You Keep Doing You
Dear President Zelensky,
Howdy! Scotty here! You’ve not gotten a letter from me before, but I can promise you that I’ve written several to the Oompa Loompa you met with today as well as his flipper Secretary of State, his alcoholic and abusive Secretary of Defense and last, but certainly not least, his Vice President, who may or may not have had a romantic encounter with the couch he was sitting on today.
There are two phrases I’d like to say to you, sir, and I’ll address them in full later, and in this order:
1. I’M SORRY
2. THANK YOU
First, I’M SORRY for the way you were treated in your meeting today. It was totally uncalled for. Sir, I believe in my soul that what happened to you today was nothing short of an ambush. You were belittled and (as well you know) lied to. You deserve much better. Most of the people in this country with an IQ that exceeds the number of teeth in their mouth COMPLETELY SUPPORT YOU. The cretins in that room speaking to you had a plan, and you didn’t bend down to it.
And for that, I say THANK YOU!!
I would give a weeks salary to be able to stand up to the Mango Mussolini the way you did. I’d love to accompany you the next time you see him. Seriously. A quick question: how did you keep from laughing at his hair?
Finally, you have the love and support of at least half of this country. The others are afraid of him, or think being a participant in an unbelievable display of weakness that was among the lowest points in American History is “bad ass”.
You keep being you, sir. Don’t give those assholes (Trump and Putin) ONE DAMN THING!!!
I wish you were my President. You showed more dignity in 35 minutes than that guy has in a lifetime.
Your pal,
Scotty
President Felon: You Are Not a King
Dear First Person in the History of the United States to be Elected President as a Convicted Felon,
Howdy. Scotty Here. Just a note about your little tête-à -tête with the Governor of Maine today.
You tried to call her out about your position about transgendered folks competing in athletics. She replied that Maine would follow state and federal law.
You replied, “WE are the federal law, and if you want to keep federal funding, you’ll follow it.”
Sir, who is this “we” you speak of? You and the mouse in your pocket?
If for some reason, you were trying to invoke a “royal we,” let me set some things straight for you.
Again, for about the thousandth time, let me assure you of these simple truths: You are not a king. You are not an emperor. You most certainly are not a dictator. I know you’ve got a little “Dick-tator” envy going on with some folks that don’t even merit a mention in my correspondence, but here’s the real truth:
YOU WORK FOR ME, AND FOR ALL THE CITIZENS OF THIS NATION. YOU ARE OUR EMPLOYEE. If you can’t get that through your addled head, we can fire you and send you to jail, where there are no make up artists or hairdressers. And worse still, no Mc Donalds.
Business is about profit, and you failed there. You are trying to run this country as a business, and it is already catastrophic.
Get rid of your Elons and Hegseths and your “deer in the headlights” deranged Patel and finally “worm brain” RFK, Tulsi Gabbard, and finally, your latest lust creature Bondi.
Hitler destroyed a Democratic Republic in a bit over 2 months. I’m not going to let you do that.
Get your shit together skippy, or teach Melanoma to bake a cake with a file in it.
Your pal,
Scotty
Trump Dredd: YOU Are Not the Law
Dear First Person in the History of the United States to be Elected President as a Convicted Felon,
Howdy. Scotty here.
Believe me when I tell you that there are lots of things I could talk with you about, but today, I’m gonna concentrate on just two.
First, it seems that you’ve signed an Executive Order declaring that only you and the Attorney General can determine what the law of this land is. Can you say “Constitutional crisis”? Can you say, “I want to do that so I can declare martial law”? Can you say “Stephen Miller thought this up for me, because he has designs on being the new Joey Goebbels”?
What the Attorney General did for or to you in order to be included in that edict, I won’t say. However, I’d guess she did it more times than your three wives combined.
Sir, you are neither king, nor emperor, nor dictator. You, sir, are a “wannabe”. You wannabe those things, but you won’t be. You wannabe a successful businessman. You even played one on TV. Here’s a tip: I played Buddy Holly on TV, and I’m damned sure not him. I’d be dead for a start, and other than for a statue in Lubbock, where would I be?
Finally, I’d like to address the visit you had in the Oval Office from Co-President Musk and his four year old son. Upon seeing you behind the stately Resolute Desk, the child remarked, “You’re not the President. Why are you sitting in that chair?”
…from the mouths of babes…
Let’s talk again real soon.
Your pal,
Scotty
