Mail order marriages seem to be going through somewhat of a renaissance in recent years as more and more people become interested in the concept. At the same time, however, the practice of “ordering” mail order brides is still surrounded by a lot of myths and misconceptions that need to be cleared out. What’s more, there are quite a few mistakes one can make when trying to find a girlfriend or a wife online that way. So, here’s a quick guide on understanding the concept of international mail order brides and how the whole thing works.
What is a mail order bride?
A mail order bride is any woman looking to marry someone who lives far away from her – usually abroad – by first meeting them online. Back in the pre-Internet days, this was done via mail by first exchanging contacts in newspaper or magazine ads. Some people even did this by first contacting churches and asking them to exchange their contacts with potential spouses.
In essence, a mail order marriage or relationship is one that starts long-distance by two people who are both looking for marriage, who are willing to get to know each other online, then meet one or more times in person, and eventually get married until one of them – typically the bride – moves in with the other.
This can be seen as a form of online dating. After all, many modern relationships start on dating apps such as Tinder, Bumble, or any other. The two differences here are: 1) dating apps are typically used to find people in your local area, whereas mail order relationships are typically either cross-country or international, and 2) mail order brides are usually explicitly looking for a foreign or at least cross-country spouse as they want to move far away from their current town or country. In other words, the long-distance aspect of mail order relationships isn’t a random happenstance, it’s an intended part of the process.
Are mail order brides legal?
Browsing around about mail order brides inevitably leads to articles and accusations about mail order brides being a form of human trafficking. This can sound intuitively correct at first, given that they are literally called “mail order” brides, and many people throw around phrases such as “ordering a mail order bride” or “buying a mail order wife.”
Yet, however poorly worded such “terms” can be, there actually isn’t anything illegal about mail order bride marriages. Yes, there are individual instances of scams, abuse, or malpractice, as is the case with other forms of dating and relationships. As long as both participants in the relationships are consenting and willing, however, and as long as both have entered the relationship of their own volition, there is no wrong-doing.
Should someone be coerced into becoming a mail order bride, that would indeed be considered a form of human trafficking and would be illegal – such instances aren’t an intrinsic part of the process, however, but are individual cases of abuse.
Similarly, should a mail order bride be looking for marriage solely to acquire citizenship, that is illegal too – it’s considered a fraudulent marriage and is often punishable by hefty fines and even prison. That also isn’t an intrinsic part of the mail order marriage process, however, as such a relationship is expected to be built for the long-term and with genuine feelings.
In short – yes, mail order bride marriages are very much legal when done correctly.
When did the practice of marrying international mail order brides start?
Many people think the practice of mail order marriages is a recent invention. However, it actually goes back centuries – as far back as the settling of the American Frontier in fact. Back then, when men were building homesteads in the middle of nowhere dozens or hundreds of miles of civilization, “dating” was a tricky thing to accomplish.
At the same time, as countless men had moved West or joined the army, there were lots of single women on the East Coast and in Europe who didn’t have adequate marriage prospects in their vicinity. So, both men and women would often post ads in newspapers, magazines, and even in churches with their mail contacts and with an expressed desire to write with someone and potentially start a relationship.
Back in the day, such relationships were called “correspondence courtship” or “epistolary courtship.” It wasn’t until the late 19th and early 20th centuries that journalists started coining terms such as “mail order bride” or “picture bride” in an attempt to smear the practice. Unfortunately for everyone involved, one of these terms happened to stick.
Yet, the practice continues. Today, mail order marriages don’t happen cross-country as often, but are mainly international – typically between Western men and women from Asia, South America, Eastern Europe, or Africa.
What are the different ways to find international mail order brides
As we explained, meeting on a dating app doesn’t really qualify as a “mail order relationship.” Obviously, going to another country to try and meet someone in person wouldn’t count either. Instead, mail order marriages typically happen in one of two ways:
Through marriage agencies
Nowadays, there are numerous agencies or individual brokers who “specialize” in finding foreign brides for Western men who just want a relationship with someone but don’t want to go through any of the work that comes before it. Such agencies charge a sizable fee, ask you about some of your preferences (age, country of origin, etc.) and then just find a woman who meets the requirements and is herself interested in a relationship with a Westerner. After that, the agency or broker lets the two chat a bit, arranges one or two in-person meetings, and the process then moves to marriage and immigration.
These sorts of relationships cost a lot and happen quickly. More crucially, however, most cases of scams, domestic abuse, and even trafficking happen when working with brokers and agencies. That’s largely because the bride and groom don’t have much time to interact with each other before the marriage.
On mail order bride dating websites
The second and much more adequate way to find a mail order bride is to just use a reputable mail order bride website with genuine profiles. This way of finding international mail order brides is much more similar to just using dating apps to find a girlfriend or a wife. Here, there is no agency or broker acting as a middle man.
Instead, both the men and the women simply go on international dating websites, post their profiles, try to meet like-minded people, chat with each other, arrange in-person dates whenever, wherever, and however they want, and eventually – should they like each other – decide to get married too.
In this type of mail order relationship, the risk of scams or abuse is infinitely lower thanks to the lack of a middleman, and as both parties have the freedom to go through the whole process at whatever speed they want.
Are relationships with international mail order brides stable?
This largely depends on how the mail order marriage was arranged. Marriages done through agencies or brokers are famously unstable because of how little time for interaction the bride and groom have before they tie the knot. What’s more, because the agency is mostly just interested in getting its cut, there are cases of the agency or broker purposefully hiding information from either or both parties until it’s too late.
Essentially, a mail order marriage done through a broker or an agency is akin to a traditional arranged marriage, but instead of it being arranged by your family, it’s arranged by an ill-meaning broker.
On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, mail order marriages done through mail order bride websites are significantly more stable and long-lasting than any other type of relationship – often with under 15% divorce rate (compared to 40-50% of traditional relationships). This stability is thanks to the freedom both parties have to communicate ahead of time with no interference from other people.
